Just Sittin', Thinkin'
I'm never good with a lot of free time. It gives me too much time to think. That, inevitably, leads to assessment of things. Some things are better left alone. Alas, I have time on my hands...
So, three things have been bouncing around in my brain. One, a conversation with my father today made me think about my ex up in canadia-land. Two, am I turning into my mother? Three, is the school grooming me for an administrative position or were they just desperate for someone to send to an assessment conference?
I'll probably blend questions one and two because they are slightly related. Let me give you some background (on the chance you are one of the two readers not related to me). My baby sister just got engaged. I could tell when I spoke with her that she has a perma-smile. I'm really happy for her. I think her fiance is a great guy and he treats her well.
I called my dad on another matter after speaking with baby sister. Inevitably, we got to talking about her engagement. It led him to ask if I ever talk with the canada ex, whom I think we all though I was going to marry. He was surprised to hear that, no, I do not talk to him. I've been thinking about that. Do most people keep in touch with ex's? I must admit when we first broke up I was pissed at him. I felt like he had been lying to me. I think in reality that it was more a case of him lying to himself but I was taking it personally. Now, maybe I am not the norm, but it seems to me that most people are just a little pissed off when they break up with someone else. So, why would you want to talk to someone that you are fuming at? And then, when you are over it (if, in fact, you can get over it), how do you initiate contact? In my case, he lives abroad in a place I will probably never have another occasion to visit. I adore Edmonton but I can't see going there on vacation. Since it is over and I see the chance of that not being a permanent situation about zero, why would I want to initiate contact? I wish him well. I think he is a great guy who deserves good things; land a job he loves and find someone who makes him happy (I seemed to have failed in that role). But here's the thing - I don't want to know about it. It's like picking at a scab. Why keep ripping off the scab? It hurts and prolongs the process. If you just leave it alone, it takes much less time to heal and is less likely to become infected or lead to other problems.
And here we come to the part where I am becoming my mother. My mom, whom I love dearly, got screwed in love/marriage and now seems to just be waiting to die. It's not that she's a romantic with an irreparably broken heart, rather, she just seems to have no reason to live sometimes. I think I have the huge potential to find myself with the same attitude.
Particularly in the bible-belt hell where I live, everyone seems to be living for god, country, and family (in that order). Well, here I am with no god, a general loathing for a better part of the country and its citizens, and no husband/offspring/family unit. And it begs the question, "What is the point?". I, like my mom, have a job that when I am a little more established will offer incredible flexibility, enough money to buy what I need, and the freedom to do whatever I want. I guess the only difference is that I am still holding out hope that (eventually) I will find someone with whom I can enjoy the flexible time, spending money, and freedom to whatever we want. But I feel like that hope is dying a little. My baby sister's engagement made me feel really old and past the point of no return. I really thought I was going to marry the canada boy. He was nearly everything I was looking for and what he didn't have (an insane love of causing yourself pain in the name of 'Sport') could be found elsewhere. But he didn't feel the same. With my perfect 20-20 hindsight, I see the signs left and right. I was never "the one" for him. His job security, interior decorating, and avoidance of public transportation were three of the things higher on the list than me. This all leads me to thinking that there is no hope. I'm officially in my thirties now, living in an area where, frankly, there are no men who are up to my first date standards let alone share-a-life standards, and I think I am becoming bitter. Where is there room for hope?
Everyone always says that you find what you are looking for when you stop looking. I say to them, "Hmmph!". I haven't been looking since I got here. All I've found are uneducated morons and god-freaks. Oh, and one exceptionally hot student who will be transferring at the end of the semester to another school a far, far distance from here. And, in any case, being a student he is not a possibility. Plus, I have a hard enough time lecturing when he is in class so I certainly would have problems keeping it together if all I could think was, "damn he looked good in those slacks and even better out of them...".
I will admit, there are serious perks to being alone. I just went to the movies. A chick flick. I just decided I was tired of working and went. No one to bother asking/informing. No one saying, "Yeah, a movie, great idea. Let's see that new one, "The 300"." Decidedly NOT a chick flick. Although, I do have it on good authority that there is lots of man-flesh at which to stare. Still not my kind of film since I don't really like real or fake blood.
I LOVE having the entire bed to myself. I can't tell you how nice it is to not wake up multiple times in a night- every time I roll - over to ensure that I haven't 'crossed the middle line'. Or wrap myself up in the comforter in a ridiculous fashion. It's so incredibly lovely to make yourself a duvet taco!
I am going to the gym again. I don't worry about the other person feeling lonely or expecting dinner. I leave my clothes all over the bedroom. I do laundry when it suits me not when someone else is out of pants. I don't have a tv and for the most part I really like that. I only cook foods I like. I paint in the middle of the night. I'm blogging at 10pm on a Sunday night and know that no one is waiting for me to get off the computer or home from work. I don't need to spend time worrying about someone else's family and being unable to in any way change the situations I'm concerned about. My family is very hands-off, no one else's family is as respectful of your space (or so it seems). I hate that and don't miss it. If something is new, I'll call. Stop calling me unless there is something new with you.
That even goes for the significant other. This is one of the reasons that I think I will just never find someone to marry. Frankly, I like that I could now not answer my cell or office phone all day and know that the only messages to accumulate would be about SOMETHING. I am just no good at the bullshit calls. The ones that people make to each other that show they "care". Fuck. What do you think could possibly happen in the three hours since you saw me this morning that might be newsworthy? And if it is that newsworthy - I'd call you! Aren't you at work? Aren't you suppose to be busy? I turned off the vacuum and ran up the stairs for this call? I left the students alone in the lab for this call? I am my mother. Sigh.
The only people that I can think of that I would be a good match with are politicians or doctors. People who are too busy to entertain themselves by checking in with me. Unfortunately, those men tend towards needy trophy wives. Not exactly a fitting description for me. I'm neither needy or trophy, per se. I can live my life without checking with you on all decisions and I am not particularly adept at projecting the Martha Stewart image. So, hope is dying...
Anyway, one area of my life that is going great is the professional area. I love teaching. The students are under prepared, as you would expect from a CC student body. However, there have been some really great students who have made it a lot of fun to teach. Some, who do the work that is necessary to meet and even exceed my expectations, are always a treat. Lovely.
The school loves me. They have a hard time finding and keeping science instructors. And I am a lot more pedigreed than they normally get. Now they are sending me to a conference about assessment. Every ten years the school has to be re-evaluated for accreditation. We are going through that now. The conference is specific for schools going through this process. Each school is sending four participants. The other three participants from my school are all higher ups. A v.p., a director, and someone who was an acting chair but decided to go back to the classroom. I can't decide if they just couldn't get anyone else to agree to go or if I was picked on purpose. Being new here, it doesn't necessarily make sense for me to go. I don't intimately know the inner workings of the school, nor it's history with assessment. I hope it is interesting because it does have the potential to be mind-numbingly boring. My fingers are crossed.
Bonus to this conference is that I will be in an area where some grad school friends are and have plans to visit them. The school okay'ed separate travel for me so that I could work in a little min-vacation. Yeah, they love me and are trying to keep me happy. I almost feel bad, I'm so doing this to build up my CV then get the hell out of Dodge.
Oh, speaking of moving, I am toying with the idea of round two with the Canadian Government. I loved it up there. I may seriously look into getting in there for myself, on my own merit, and not for a man. Might be easier since I will have more of two things I needed the first time. More money and more job experience. Otherwise, since the rest of my family all seems to be ready to live in MI until death, I may just look for jobs closer to home. The only reason I see to stay here is if I were to get married. And on that topic... not bloody likely (see the whole rest of this post).
So, anyone who has maybe stumbled here via a google search and has a fresh prospective, two questions:
1) Know anyone who got married for the first time after 30?
2) Any tips for infiltrating our friendly neighbors to the north for the remainder of a lifetime?
So, three things have been bouncing around in my brain. One, a conversation with my father today made me think about my ex up in canadia-land. Two, am I turning into my mother? Three, is the school grooming me for an administrative position or were they just desperate for someone to send to an assessment conference?
I'll probably blend questions one and two because they are slightly related. Let me give you some background (on the chance you are one of the two readers not related to me). My baby sister just got engaged. I could tell when I spoke with her that she has a perma-smile. I'm really happy for her. I think her fiance is a great guy and he treats her well.
I called my dad on another matter after speaking with baby sister. Inevitably, we got to talking about her engagement. It led him to ask if I ever talk with the canada ex, whom I think we all though I was going to marry. He was surprised to hear that, no, I do not talk to him. I've been thinking about that. Do most people keep in touch with ex's? I must admit when we first broke up I was pissed at him. I felt like he had been lying to me. I think in reality that it was more a case of him lying to himself but I was taking it personally. Now, maybe I am not the norm, but it seems to me that most people are just a little pissed off when they break up with someone else. So, why would you want to talk to someone that you are fuming at? And then, when you are over it (if, in fact, you can get over it), how do you initiate contact? In my case, he lives abroad in a place I will probably never have another occasion to visit. I adore Edmonton but I can't see going there on vacation. Since it is over and I see the chance of that not being a permanent situation about zero, why would I want to initiate contact? I wish him well. I think he is a great guy who deserves good things; land a job he loves and find someone who makes him happy (I seemed to have failed in that role). But here's the thing - I don't want to know about it. It's like picking at a scab. Why keep ripping off the scab? It hurts and prolongs the process. If you just leave it alone, it takes much less time to heal and is less likely to become infected or lead to other problems.
And here we come to the part where I am becoming my mother. My mom, whom I love dearly, got screwed in love/marriage and now seems to just be waiting to die. It's not that she's a romantic with an irreparably broken heart, rather, she just seems to have no reason to live sometimes. I think I have the huge potential to find myself with the same attitude.
Particularly in the bible-belt hell where I live, everyone seems to be living for god, country, and family (in that order). Well, here I am with no god, a general loathing for a better part of the country and its citizens, and no husband/offspring/family unit. And it begs the question, "What is the point?". I, like my mom, have a job that when I am a little more established will offer incredible flexibility, enough money to buy what I need, and the freedom to do whatever I want. I guess the only difference is that I am still holding out hope that (eventually) I will find someone with whom I can enjoy the flexible time, spending money, and freedom to whatever we want. But I feel like that hope is dying a little. My baby sister's engagement made me feel really old and past the point of no return. I really thought I was going to marry the canada boy. He was nearly everything I was looking for and what he didn't have (an insane love of causing yourself pain in the name of 'Sport') could be found elsewhere. But he didn't feel the same. With my perfect 20-20 hindsight, I see the signs left and right. I was never "the one" for him. His job security, interior decorating, and avoidance of public transportation were three of the things higher on the list than me. This all leads me to thinking that there is no hope. I'm officially in my thirties now, living in an area where, frankly, there are no men who are up to my first date standards let alone share-a-life standards, and I think I am becoming bitter. Where is there room for hope?
Everyone always says that you find what you are looking for when you stop looking. I say to them, "Hmmph!". I haven't been looking since I got here. All I've found are uneducated morons and god-freaks. Oh, and one exceptionally hot student who will be transferring at the end of the semester to another school a far, far distance from here. And, in any case, being a student he is not a possibility. Plus, I have a hard enough time lecturing when he is in class so I certainly would have problems keeping it together if all I could think was, "damn he looked good in those slacks and even better out of them...".
I will admit, there are serious perks to being alone. I just went to the movies. A chick flick. I just decided I was tired of working and went. No one to bother asking/informing. No one saying, "Yeah, a movie, great idea. Let's see that new one, "The 300"." Decidedly NOT a chick flick. Although, I do have it on good authority that there is lots of man-flesh at which to stare. Still not my kind of film since I don't really like real or fake blood.
I LOVE having the entire bed to myself. I can't tell you how nice it is to not wake up multiple times in a night- every time I roll - over to ensure that I haven't 'crossed the middle line'. Or wrap myself up in the comforter in a ridiculous fashion. It's so incredibly lovely to make yourself a duvet taco!
I am going to the gym again. I don't worry about the other person feeling lonely or expecting dinner. I leave my clothes all over the bedroom. I do laundry when it suits me not when someone else is out of pants. I don't have a tv and for the most part I really like that. I only cook foods I like. I paint in the middle of the night. I'm blogging at 10pm on a Sunday night and know that no one is waiting for me to get off the computer or home from work. I don't need to spend time worrying about someone else's family and being unable to in any way change the situations I'm concerned about. My family is very hands-off, no one else's family is as respectful of your space (or so it seems). I hate that and don't miss it. If something is new, I'll call. Stop calling me unless there is something new with you.
That even goes for the significant other. This is one of the reasons that I think I will just never find someone to marry. Frankly, I like that I could now not answer my cell or office phone all day and know that the only messages to accumulate would be about SOMETHING. I am just no good at the bullshit calls. The ones that people make to each other that show they "care". Fuck. What do you think could possibly happen in the three hours since you saw me this morning that might be newsworthy? And if it is that newsworthy - I'd call you! Aren't you at work? Aren't you suppose to be busy? I turned off the vacuum and ran up the stairs for this call? I left the students alone in the lab for this call? I am my mother. Sigh.
The only people that I can think of that I would be a good match with are politicians or doctors. People who are too busy to entertain themselves by checking in with me. Unfortunately, those men tend towards needy trophy wives. Not exactly a fitting description for me. I'm neither needy or trophy, per se. I can live my life without checking with you on all decisions and I am not particularly adept at projecting the Martha Stewart image. So, hope is dying...
Anyway, one area of my life that is going great is the professional area. I love teaching. The students are under prepared, as you would expect from a CC student body. However, there have been some really great students who have made it a lot of fun to teach. Some, who do the work that is necessary to meet and even exceed my expectations, are always a treat. Lovely.
The school loves me. They have a hard time finding and keeping science instructors. And I am a lot more pedigreed than they normally get. Now they are sending me to a conference about assessment. Every ten years the school has to be re-evaluated for accreditation. We are going through that now. The conference is specific for schools going through this process. Each school is sending four participants. The other three participants from my school are all higher ups. A v.p., a director, and someone who was an acting chair but decided to go back to the classroom. I can't decide if they just couldn't get anyone else to agree to go or if I was picked on purpose. Being new here, it doesn't necessarily make sense for me to go. I don't intimately know the inner workings of the school, nor it's history with assessment. I hope it is interesting because it does have the potential to be mind-numbingly boring. My fingers are crossed.
Bonus to this conference is that I will be in an area where some grad school friends are and have plans to visit them. The school okay'ed separate travel for me so that I could work in a little min-vacation. Yeah, they love me and are trying to keep me happy. I almost feel bad, I'm so doing this to build up my CV then get the hell out of Dodge.
Oh, speaking of moving, I am toying with the idea of round two with the Canadian Government. I loved it up there. I may seriously look into getting in there for myself, on my own merit, and not for a man. Might be easier since I will have more of two things I needed the first time. More money and more job experience. Otherwise, since the rest of my family all seems to be ready to live in MI until death, I may just look for jobs closer to home. The only reason I see to stay here is if I were to get married. And on that topic... not bloody likely (see the whole rest of this post).
So, anyone who has maybe stumbled here via a google search and has a fresh prospective, two questions:
1) Know anyone who got married for the first time after 30?
2) Any tips for infiltrating our friendly neighbors to the north for the remainder of a lifetime?
1 Comments:
You're back! I was procrastinating doing anything useful by combing through Technorati and I saw you had new posts.
I am sorry to hear things didn't work out in canadia-land but I am glad that you have employment. IIRC, we share a home state and I have to say the kids are getting pretty Jesus-freaky here as well. Some days I am unsure if I am at revival or an English class (work).
My husband used to have family in SWMO. Scary place. Shudder. I would think SL would help mitigate some of the craziness but I guess not.
Good to see you back!
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Miranda, at 11:07 PM
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