Should I Be Nervous?
Blah.
Blah.
Really, that word says it all... Blah.
I have spent the last few days putting the polishing touches on my pre and post pages (abstract, table of contents, appendices, references, vita, etc.). The bossman is a fanatic about the abstract so I sent it out to three readers. It has to be less than 350 words so how bad can it be, right? Well, two readers said it was great, one thought it was dog meat. Greeeaaat. I dropped it off last night. If it sucks - at least I will get that info from the one person who matters.
The weird thing is I thought I would be more nervous about the whole thing. Maybe I'm not so nervous because my dissertation has more or less been done for more than two months or because I (at some level) just don't care anymore. Or maybe because I still have another five or six days until I need to turn in the dissertation to my committee. Or maybe I am just totally ignoring all of the emotional stress this is causing me?
(side note: I say five or six days because we submit our 'books' to the profs through the mailroom. That means that 5:05 pm on Monday is the same as 7:55 am on Tues.)
I'm sure when I actually have to give "the talk" that I will be Freaking Out. But until that even gets close (still about two weeks away), I just can't seem to give a damn. This doesn't seem normal. Everyone I have spoken with says that it is like finishing a race at the end. Well, maybe it is because I just spent a really long time sitting on a bench, I'm just not feeling it. It feels like I am in a "fun run" where about two thirds of the way to the finish line someone tripped me. Now I have been hobbling for a third of the race, bleeding and dehydrated, and I just want to cross the line and sit the fuck down. All of my running partners (friends) have finished. Everyone is on the sidelines cheering for me. But finishing isn't making me very excited, nervous, or even happy. I just want to stop hobbling, let my legs heal, make the best of a bad race decision, and plan my next event.
What I am feeling isn't nervousness... it's dread. I am dreading the final beating to be handed out by the committee. Why isn't my research published in more highly regarded journals (JACS, Science, or Nature)? Why don't I have a half dozen notebooks of work like more synthetically-inclined disciplines? Why do I think I deserve a degree since I couldn't even manage to finish in 4 years? What's going on in current literature in my field even though I haven't had open access to online or paper journals in over a year? Or, the worst, a possible question about my research that I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO! Oh god. Does it get any worse than that? And I don't even have the benefit of having people on my committee that will get distracted by each other (department politics). Nope. They all like each other and will be focused on me. I'd be nervous if I thought it was something that could go well and that I had some control over that. But, really, I feel like there is no way it will go well so I am just feeling dread.
And what do I say if they ask why I left? The bossman wouldn't support me on stipend any longer. He basically told me point blank that he didn't want to bother with writing a letter of rec for any possible funding I could pursue outside of the department. The department doesn't offer TA funding because of the way it's constructed so that wasn't even an option. I'm not independently wealthy. What? Do I lie, or at least sugarcoat it? What if they want me to do more lab work and ammend my dissertation? Do I tell them "no" flat out? Or explain my situation with having no insurance, no lab space, no desk, and no place to live making it nearly impossible?
Anyway, I'm so uninspired to work on the manuscript right now it amazes even me.
Oh, and the bossman didn't get back to me today with comments on the abstract... maybe tomorrow. sigh.
hobble... hobble...
Blah.
Really, that word says it all... Blah.
I have spent the last few days putting the polishing touches on my pre and post pages (abstract, table of contents, appendices, references, vita, etc.). The bossman is a fanatic about the abstract so I sent it out to three readers. It has to be less than 350 words so how bad can it be, right? Well, two readers said it was great, one thought it was dog meat. Greeeaaat. I dropped it off last night. If it sucks - at least I will get that info from the one person who matters.
The weird thing is I thought I would be more nervous about the whole thing. Maybe I'm not so nervous because my dissertation has more or less been done for more than two months or because I (at some level) just don't care anymore. Or maybe because I still have another five or six days until I need to turn in the dissertation to my committee. Or maybe I am just totally ignoring all of the emotional stress this is causing me?
(side note: I say five or six days because we submit our 'books' to the profs through the mailroom. That means that 5:05 pm on Monday is the same as 7:55 am on Tues.)
I'm sure when I actually have to give "the talk" that I will be Freaking Out. But until that even gets close (still about two weeks away), I just can't seem to give a damn. This doesn't seem normal. Everyone I have spoken with says that it is like finishing a race at the end. Well, maybe it is because I just spent a really long time sitting on a bench, I'm just not feeling it. It feels like I am in a "fun run" where about two thirds of the way to the finish line someone tripped me. Now I have been hobbling for a third of the race, bleeding and dehydrated, and I just want to cross the line and sit the fuck down. All of my running partners (friends) have finished. Everyone is on the sidelines cheering for me. But finishing isn't making me very excited, nervous, or even happy. I just want to stop hobbling, let my legs heal, make the best of a bad race decision, and plan my next event.
What I am feeling isn't nervousness... it's dread. I am dreading the final beating to be handed out by the committee. Why isn't my research published in more highly regarded journals (JACS, Science, or Nature)? Why don't I have a half dozen notebooks of work like more synthetically-inclined disciplines? Why do I think I deserve a degree since I couldn't even manage to finish in 4 years? What's going on in current literature in my field even though I haven't had open access to online or paper journals in over a year? Or, the worst, a possible question about my research that I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO! Oh god. Does it get any worse than that? And I don't even have the benefit of having people on my committee that will get distracted by each other (department politics). Nope. They all like each other and will be focused on me. I'd be nervous if I thought it was something that could go well and that I had some control over that. But, really, I feel like there is no way it will go well so I am just feeling dread.
And what do I say if they ask why I left? The bossman wouldn't support me on stipend any longer. He basically told me point blank that he didn't want to bother with writing a letter of rec for any possible funding I could pursue outside of the department. The department doesn't offer TA funding because of the way it's constructed so that wasn't even an option. I'm not independently wealthy. What? Do I lie, or at least sugarcoat it? What if they want me to do more lab work and ammend my dissertation? Do I tell them "no" flat out? Or explain my situation with having no insurance, no lab space, no desk, and no place to live making it nearly impossible?
Anyway, I'm so uninspired to work on the manuscript right now it amazes even me.
Oh, and the bossman didn't get back to me today with comments on the abstract... maybe tomorrow. sigh.
hobble... hobble...
1 Comments:
I remember hearing similar reasoning before solo ensemble performances. I hope you get as good an outcome as you did then. Should I come down for the day?
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Anonymous, at 7:42 PM
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