A Letter

A few of the academic bloggers that I read have been posting open letters to students. I am not teaching because I thought I would be done with the dissertation and living in Canada so I turned down the reappointment for the fall at the CC I was at in the spring. So, I am writing a letter to my advisor. I wouldn't be able to actually send it as it might doom me to never finishing so I am posting it here.

Dear Bossman,

I know you don't care about me. Fine. Try caring about yourself. You look bad when three out of four students in your 2000 class don't finish their degrees. One of them just left the group and is currently floundering in a different one. This indicates that the student just might have been a rotten apple. The student who did finish refused to give you any forwarding contact information. That should tell you something. The third student left the group suddenly but not after being in clear emotional and research trouble for years. The fourth student was unceremoniously left to fend for herself when you would not keep her on stipend any longer. The fourth student is me.

Now, let me tell you about my situation and why you should deal with me. I was pissed that you wouldn't pay me. I won't lie. And the department I am in is set up in such a way that we don't have teaching assistantships. That meant I had absolutely no opportunities to earn a stipend through traditional school venues. You refused (point blank) to write a letter of recommendation for any grants I might apply to and said further that you didn't think I could possibly get one which is why you wouldn't "waste your time".

Our esteemed institution is in one of the four largest cities in the US. This fact translates into a rather high cost of living. I am the oldest of four children with divorced parents. Exactly how did you think I was going to manage to continue to live there, pay for insurance (as required for enrollment), enrollment fees, and auto expenses without a stipend. I guess I am just not lucky enough to have parents willing to support me for four months like student #2 (the only one to finish so far).

When I was forced (because there really was no choice) to move back home, I did so with the plan to finish the dissertation. We talked about it. You knew the plan. I sent you emails concerning the plan. I picked up a low-paying part time job (adjunct at CC) in order to build my CV and continue on the path for "the plan". The plan was for me to defend this summer. It's September. I'm bitter.

Now, I know I didn't entirely hold up my end of the plan. I was suppose to have my dissertation done at the end of July. At that point I had only sent you three chapters. However, I don't think there is any excuse reasonable to explain why you felt it acceptable to ignore my e-mailed chapters. I finished the dissertation in August. I supplied a hard copy to you via snail mail as well as an electronic copy via e-mail.

Thank you for acknowledging the receipt of the electronic copy. At least I will have that to take to the graduate school board when I have to circumvent you. It is here that we come to the place where I tell you why you should deal with me.

It's not pretty but here it is - I am a girl. The department's faculty and graduate student body is predominately male and caucasian. It is well-known to be a "boy's club" of sorts. I will play this to my advantage if I need to. It looks bad for the department to have a less than 50% graduation rate. It looks even worse to have a woman leave the department with no degree even though she has published (as first or second author) six research papers in respected journals, given two conference posters, presented an excellent research seminar, landed a job, and written a full-length, typeset, and copy-edited dissertation. I have never missed a deadline, performed sub-par in classes, or failed to meet any goal set for me by the department. I will play on the sympathy of the graduate school committee. I already have an advisor/staff member of the grad school in my corner after the "vacation issue" we had last year. I have a strong supporter in the Teaching for Excellent center. I have a faculty member in a department outside of my own that I have spoken with and gotten the support of. I will not be ignored. And, I have set the ball in motion.

You are old and tenured. I know that you do not fear me. But I am tired of not being able to live my life because of you. I have done everything required of me. I declined a good job in order to be available for my defense. I have not seen my boyfriend in three months in order to be available for my defense. I am nearly broke in order to finish my dissertation and be available for my defense. I will get my degree. I will get the thing I have earned!

So, when the chairperson of the graduate academic committee calls, don't be so surprised. You should have answered my e-mails. You should have taken my calls. I am not going to be ignored any longer. I am tired, tired, tired and so pissed off that it is a surprise my hair doesn't spontaneously burst into flames. I will not go away. I will not shut up, be shut down, or shut out. When you die, I might just come and dance on your grave. At the very least, I am going to come and burn a copy of my dissertation on your headstone. Fuck you. You will not win this little war.